Once a week I like to pick up a copy of the pocket sized listings periodical for city-bound gadabouts, the L magazine. My boyfriend writes for it sometimes and it’s also just informative in general . They are supported by a somewhat misunderstood American house of fashion that buys a lot of their ad space. This week, said house of style is advertising ‘Party Tights,’ which I think suggests that if you are wearing these stockings you’re almost guaranteed to be having a good time. The nymphet in the advertisement is wearing the ‘sparkle pantyhose’ variant (shown here), which are clearly not lacking in luster. This disembodied version of the whore has opted to pair her party tights with nothing, which is a bold move considering most people think of tights as an accessory. Perhaps she thinks that the sparkle pantyhose are actually just really thin-skinned pants and she is about to pair them with a tunic, a belt, some fabulous hoop earrings, and an over-the-jeans handjob.

The sparkle pantyhose are constructed from synthetic materials and some kind of magical gold thread is sewn throughout to give the gams a glossy sheen. The elastic helps keep the tights and the inviting smell of the syph close to your skin. They look great on and look even better when shriveled and balled up on the shag.

This lovely young lady is wearing the latest in pret-a-porter swimwear designed by an inexplicably popular American fashion house. As described in the adcopy, this mons veneris enhancing suit is made of the flashy dancewear synthetic lame (there should be an accent aigu over that last “e” in lame, just F your and everyone else’s I) and is cut in a streamlined silhouette to really shave seconds off one’s time in the 100 meter butterfly stroke. and by butterfly stroke, i think they mean money shot. but buyer beware: this practical garment evidently will get scratched or otherwise damaged with repeated wear and should be worn in neither salt nor chlorinated water. that said, no worries about wearing this delightful piece of masturbilia in a pool of VD. This whore has paired her lame suit with a tube bra and a rohypnol induced faraway stare. the insouciant hint of camel toe really completes the look!This is the exact look that could have been rocked by Erin Moran in her post Chachi daze. It also could have really amped up Jimmy “the Superfly” Snuka’s game in the pro-wrestling arena. Such versatility has rarely been seen in one garment! From this side view, you can practically smell the stale Marb lights and complete loss of dignity.